| It's 2am. It's dark outside. I look over | | | | events to get any real recognition was |
| at my clock with the sudden realisation | | | | The Dwarf Throwing World Championship (I |
| that there are literally hundreds and | | | | kid you not) which took place some time |
| thousands of people out there getting | | | | in 1986 - further proof as to what a |
| wasted on cheap booze and generally | | | | messed up decade that was. That |
| having a much better time than me. I rub | | | | particular toss-fest was won by Team |
| my eyes, sigh, shake my head and get | | | | England - Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and |
| back on with it. Not because I'm better | | | | Lenny The Giant the heroes of the |
| than them. And not because I'm some sad, | | | | hour.Making And Breaking Records.Take a |
| locked-in loser either (although that is | | | | glance at the rather marvellous |
| debatable.) You see, I don't need the | | | | newspaper clipping to the right. I |
| usual distractions - booze, fun, women, | | | | guarantee it is genuine. The current |
| daylight, other people, normal human | | | | world record for the longest throw is |
| society - all fade into obscurity. I | | | | held by some white trash nutcase called |
| care not for these things. Why? Because | | | | Cuddles. Bless. I bet he loves his mommy |
| I have stumbled upon the ancient art of | | | | and everything. The throw was an |
| Midget Throwing!Perhaps it's a sign of | | | | impressive 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles |
| the times. Perhaps I have finally gone | | | | belongs to a team of circus escapees |
| crazy. I've spent all night looking at | | | | calling themselves Oddballs. The |
| flying dwarves. There's a story to this | | | | Oddballs are mainly famous for their |
| - you may have seen our recent article | | | | rather racy (and un-nervingly |
| 'The A-Team - Then And Now.' If you | | | | homo-erotic) 'baloon dance,' which |
| haven't, then you'd better drag your | | | | basically involves them prancing about |
| worthless ass over there. After putting | | | | naked with baloons covering their |
| that particular masterpiece online, I | | | | pinkened, shrunken manhoods.It seems the |
| read through and one sentence in | | | | local newspapers were all over this |
| particular lept out at me: "Mr T is | | | | event, keen to bring you the latest on |
| winner of the World's Toughest Bouncer | | | | this extreme spectator sport for the new |
| contest. One of the events in the | | | | millenium. It seems not much happens in |
| competition was dwarf tossing (since | | | | whatever sleepy-hick-filled country |
| outlawed.)" Dwarf Tossing?! That sounds | | | | hovel this took place in (we will call |
| amazing! I just had to find out | | | | it Sheepball-on-sea.) Either that, or |
| more!!The lost sport that is Dwarf | | | | there was some crazy, sickening midget |
| Tossing / Midget Throwing originated in | | | | sex fetish going on at the time...Oh, |
| Australia in the 1980's - a pub game for | | | | and by the way (if you give a shit) - |
| bored white trash country types, bored | | | | according to some random, haggared site |
| with driving their tractors. According | | | | I've since forgotten about, the English |
| to one website (hosted on the | | | | are still world champs. Another black |
| ever-trusty BBC.co.uk no less):"This pub | | | | eye to national pride, methinks. We |
| sport can be played by anyone, as the | | | | might suck at the Olympics, or any other |
| need for heavy consumption of alcoholic | | | | real sport for that matter, but damn - |
| beverages as preparation purposes is | | | | we really can let those midgets |
| completely optional, but strongly | | | | fly.Understandably, when people heard |
| recommended. Both men and women can play | | | | about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet |
| and even compete against each other | | | | strangely fascinating sport, they |
| head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, | | | | rallied en-masse to have it banned. Wow, |
| the women who generally participate tend | | | | that must have been one hell of a sight |
| to have male like qualities. This has | | | | - hundreds of people marching down on |
| meant the customary swapping of shirts | | | | the houses of law, demanding that the |
| at the end of each competition has been | | | | vertically-challenged have the right to |
| scrapped, due to the women's constant | | | | stay on the ground. I wish I could have |
| complaints that the shirts given to them | | | | been there. Damned hindsight.The year |
| were always too small and that they | | | | was 1989, and the world's only support |
| wouldn't want to wear the shirt of a | | | | group for the vertically-challenged - |
| 'chauvinist pig who got his kicks | | | | The Little People Of America - went to |
| throwing persons of restricted growth | | | | Florida and convinced the lawmakers |
| anyway'. | | | | there that this strange sport is infact |
| Large muscles, strong legs and the | | | | cruel and should be stopped. The measure |
| arbitrary beer belly are the physical | | | | banning dwarf-tossing was passed with a |
| secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing | | | | wide margin, and dwarf-tossing was |
| athlete. However, to fully master the | | | | outlawed in both Florida and New York. |
| sport the athlete must also possess the | | | | Yet, in the LPA's home state of Texas, |
| strength of an ox, the speed of a | | | | you can still throw migdets about to |
| leopard, the timing of a magician, the | | | | your heart's content. Want to abuse a |
| patience of a predator and the | | | | midget? Now you have to get in your car |
| appearance of a rather large bull | | | | and drive... Later Dave Flood who |
| sitting on a wasp. In order for 'persons | | | | appears on a morning radio talk show as |
| pacified with their | | | | "Dave the Dwarf," took the issue to |
| horizontally-perpendicular | | | | court and made the sport illegal in |
| circumstances' to take part in a | | | | bars. Thanks Dave.In Ontario, Canada, |
| throwing competition they must always | | | | the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act, 2003 was |
| wear full protective clothing. Injury is | | | | enacted, with penalties of a fine of not |
| a serious threat to the career of a | | | | more than $5,000 or to imprisonment for |
| Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn | | | | a term of not more than six months, or |
| a six-figure sum for allowing people to | | | | both. Perhaps they have a special wing |
| share in their very specialised field of | | | | in the jails for the dwarf-tossers. |
| expertise.""Unlike golf, this is a true | | | | Hmmm...Despite all this fancy legal |
| spectator's sport worthy of any Olympic | | | | action, this bizzare sport is still |
| games but thanks of the interventions of | | | | taking place today. During my research |
| 'persons who negotiate a humour | | | | for this article / compulsive waste of |
| deficiency' no professional body has | | | | time, I stumbled across some random |
| been created to globally organise and | | | | Satan-type website that had a section on |
| fund what can only be described as the | | | | Dwarf-Tossing. These photos (see below) |
| only sport that promotes an unprejudiced | | | | were taken at a recent event, probably |
| view of society (even though a British | | | | deep in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. |
| Association of Dwarf Throwers does | | | | One thing I noticed - if you look |
| currently exist)." | | | | closely at the photos - it's the same |
| Christopher Reeve shudders in his | | | | midget being thrown by each one of those |
| grave. Lois Lane silently weeps. | | | | hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! |
| These flying midgets get six figure | | | | That's just not right! He doesn't even |
| salaries? Can this be true?! Which makes | | | | get a helmet or anything!Remember folks |
| me wonder - who in the name of Jesus H | | | | no matter how bizzare, different, or |
| Jones pays these people? Is there a | | | | strangely fascinating this obscure and |
| Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine | | | | perverse sport may seem, don't try it. |
| putting this on your resume? I wonder if | | | | Johnny Law will be two steps behind you |
| these talented human missiles get hazard | | | | ready to throw your bitch ass in jail. |
| pay?Basically the rules are as follows; | | | | You've heard about what they do to |
| you pick up your selected midget (who | | | | rapists in prison, right? Imagine what |
| will likely be adorning some kind of | | | | they'd do to a Dwarf Thrower. In |
| safety helmet and vest), take a three | | | | conclusion... it's never cool to be a |
| step run-up and throw the little bugger | | | | tosser.An Article By: Part-time Ninja of |
| as far as you possibly can. And there | | | | original article for this is at: |
| you have it - possibly the most non-PC | | | | article is one of many amazing and |
| sport ever invented. Whoever gets their | | | | bizzare articles available for free at: |
| human missile the furthest is the | | | | is from - where humour goes to |
| winner. Although I shudder to think what | | | | die.There are two kinds of people in |
| kind of prizes would be given. Sexual | | | | this world; those who love |
| favours perhaps... who knows?The | | | | TwistedEdge... and those who haven't |
| Roots.The first of these twisted little | | | | been there yet. |