| It's 2am. It's dark outside. I look over at my clock | | | | little events to get any real recognition was The |
| with the sudden realisation that there are literally | | | | Dwarf Throwing World Championship (I kid you |
| hundreds and thousands of people out there | | | | not) which took place some time in 1986 - further |
| getting wasted on cheap booze and generally | | | | proof as to what a messed up decade that was. |
| having a much better time than me. I rub my | | | | That particular toss-fest was won by Team |
| eyes, sigh, shake my head and get back on with | | | | England - Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The |
| it. Not because I'm better than them. And not | | | | Giant the heroes of the hour.Making And Breaking |
| because I'm some sad, locked-in loser either | | | | Records.Take a glance at the rather marvellous |
| (although that is debatable.) You see, I don't need | | | | newspaper clipping to the right. I guarantee it is |
| the usual distractions - booze, fun, women, | | | | genuine. The current world record for the longest |
| daylight, other people, normal human society - all | | | | throw is held by some white trash nutcase called |
| fade into obscurity. I care not for these things. | | | | Cuddles. Bless. I bet he loves his mommy and |
| Why? Because I have stumbled upon the ancient | | | | everything. The throw was an impressive 12 feet |
| art of Midget Throwing!Perhaps it's a sign of the | | | | 9 inches. Cuddles belongs to a team of circus |
| times. Perhaps I have finally gone crazy. I've | | | | escapees calling themselves Oddballs. The Oddballs |
| spent all night looking at flying dwarves. There's a | | | | are mainly famous for their rather racy (and |
| story to this - you may have seen our recent | | | | un-nervingly homo-erotic) 'baloon dance,' which |
| article 'The A-Team - Then And Now.' If you | | | | basically involves them prancing about naked with |
| haven't, then you'd better drag your worthless | | | | baloons covering their pinkened, shrunken |
| ass over there. After putting that particular | | | | manhoods.It seems the local newspapers were all |
| masterpiece online, I read through and one | | | | over this event, keen to bring you the latest on |
| sentence in particular lept out at me: "Mr T is | | | | this extreme spectator sport for the new |
| winner of the World's Toughest Bouncer contest. | | | | millenium. It seems not much happens in whatever |
| One of the events in the competition was dwarf | | | | sleepy-hick-filled country hovel this took place in |
| tossing (since outlawed.)" Dwarf Tossing?! That | | | | (we will call it Sheepball-on-sea.) Either that, or |
| sounds amazing! I just had to find out more!!The | | | | there was some crazy, sickening midget sex |
| lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / Midget | | | | fetish going on at the time...Oh, and by the way (if |
| Throwing originated in Australia in the 1980's - a | | | | you give a shit) - according to some random, |
| pub game for bored white trash country types, | | | | haggared site I've since forgotten about, the |
| bored with driving their tractors. According to one | | | | English are still world champs. Another black eye |
| website (hosted on the ever-trusty BBC.co.uk no | | | | to national pride, methinks. We might suck at the |
| less):"This pub sport can be played by anyone, as | | | | Olympics, or any other real sport for that matter, |
| the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic | | | | but damn - we really can let those midgets |
| beverages as preparation purposes is completely | | | | fly.Understandably, when people heard about this |
| optional, but strongly recommended. Both men | | | | sick, non-PC, offensive, yet strangely fascinating |
| and women can play and even compete against | | | | sport, they rallied en-masse to have it banned. |
| each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the | | | | Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight - |
| men, the women who generally participate tend | | | | hundreds of people marching down on the houses |
| to have male like qualities. This has meant the | | | | of law, demanding that the vertically-challenged |
| customary swapping of shirts at the end of each | | | | have the right to stay on the ground. I wish I |
| competition has been scrapped, due to the | | | | could have been there. Damned hindsight.The year |
| women's constant complaints that the shirts given | | | | was 1989, and the world's only support group for |
| to them were always too small and that they | | | | the vertically-challenged - The Little People Of |
| wouldn't want to wear the shirt of a 'chauvinist | | | | America - went to Florida and convinced the |
| pig who got his kicks throwing persons of | | | | lawmakers there that this strange sport is infact |
| restricted growth anyway'. | | | | cruel and should be stopped. The measure banning |
| Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer | | | | dwarf-tossing was passed with a wide margin, |
| belly are the physical secret weapons of a true | | | | and dwarf-tossing was outlawed in both Florida |
| dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master | | | | and New York. Yet, in the LPA's home state of |
| the sport the athlete must also possess the | | | | Texas, you can still throw migdets about to your |
| strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the | | | | heart's content. Want to abuse a midget? Now |
| timing of a magician, the patience of a predator | | | | you have to get in your car and drive... Later |
| and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on | | | | Dave Flood who appears on a morning radio talk |
| a wasp. In order for 'persons pacified with their | | | | show as "Dave the Dwarf," took the issue to |
| horizontally-perpendicular circumstances' to take | | | | court and made the sport illegal in bars. Thanks |
| part in a throwing competition they must always | | | | Dave.In Ontario, Canada, the Dwarf Tossing Ban |
| wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious | | | | Act, 2003 was enacted, with penalties of a fine of |
| threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who, if | | | | not more than $5,000 or to imprisonment for a |
| on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing | | | | term of not more than six months, or both. |
| people to share in their very specialised field of | | | | Perhaps they have a special wing in the jails for |
| expertise.""Unlike golf, this is a true spectator's | | | | the dwarf-tossers. Hmmm...Despite all this fancy |
| sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks | | | | legal action, this bizzare sport is still taking place |
| of the interventions of 'persons who negotiate a | | | | today. During my research for this article / |
| humour deficiency' no professional body has been | | | | compulsive waste of time, I stumbled across |
| created to globally organise and fund what can | | | | some random Satan-type website that had a |
| only be described as the only sport that | | | | section on Dwarf-Tossing. These photos (see |
| promotes an unprejudiced view of society (even | | | | below) were taken at a recent event, probably |
| though a British Association of Dwarf Throwers | | | | deep in the heart of Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I |
| does currently exist)." | | | | noticed - if you look closely at the photos - it's |
| Christopher Reeve shudders in his grave. Lois | | | | the same midget being thrown by each one of |
| Lane silently weeps. | | | | those hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That's |
| These flying midgets get six figure salaries? Can | | | | just not right! He doesn't even get a helmet or |
| this be true?! Which makes me wonder - who in | | | | anything!Remember folks no matter how bizzare, |
| the name of Jesus H Jones pays these people? Is | | | | different, or strangely fascinating this obscure and |
| there a Flying Midgets union? Can you imagine | | | | perverse sport may seem, don't try it. Johnny |
| putting this on your resume? I wonder if these | | | | Law will be two steps behind you ready to throw |
| talented human missiles get hazard pay?Basically | | | | your bitch ass in jail. You've heard about what |
| the rules are as follows; you pick up your | | | | they do to rapists in prison, right? Imagine what |
| selected midget (who will likely be adorning some | | | | they'd do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion... it's |
| kind of safety helmet and vest), take a three | | | | never cool to be a tosser.An Article By: Part-time |
| step run-up and throw the little bugger as far as | | | | Ninja of original article for this is at: |
| you possibly can. And there you have it - possibly | | | | article is one of many amazing and bizzare |
| the most non-PC sport ever invented. Whoever | | | | articles available for free at: |
| gets their human missile the furthest is the | | | | is from - where humour goes to die.There are |
| winner. Although I shudder to think what kind of | | | | two kinds of people in this world; those who love |
| prizes would be given. Sexual favours perhaps... | | | | TwistedEdge... and those who haven't been there |
| who knows?The Roots.The first of these twisted | | | | yet. |