| It's 2am. It's dark outside. I look over at | | | | any real recognition was The Dwarf Throwing |
| my clock with the sudden realisation that | | | | World Championship (I kid you not) which took |
| there are literally hundreds and thousands of | | | | place some time in 1986 - further proof as to |
| people out there getting wasted on cheap | | | | what a messed up decade that was. That |
| booze and generally having a much better time | | | | particular toss-fest was won by Team England |
| than me. I rub my eyes, sigh, shake my head | | | | - Danny Blue, Roy Merrin and Lenny The Giant |
| and get back on with it. Not because I'm | | | | the heroes of the hour.Making And Breaking |
| better than them. And not because I'm some | | | | Records.Take a glance at the rather |
| sad, locked-in loser either (although that is | | | | marvellous newspaper clipping to the right. I |
| debatable.) You see, I don't need the usual | | | | guarantee it is genuine. The current world |
| distractions - booze, fun, women, daylight, | | | | record for the longest throw is held by some |
| other people, normal human society - all fade | | | | white trash nutcase called Cuddles. Bless. I |
| into obscurity. I care not for these things. | | | | bet he loves his mommy and everything. The |
| Why? Because I have stumbled upon the ancient | | | | throw was an impressive 12 feet 9 inches. |
| art of Midget Throwing!Perhaps it's a sign of | | | | Cuddles belongs to a team of circus escapees |
| the times. Perhaps I have finally gone crazy. | | | | calling themselves Oddballs. The Oddballs are |
| I've spent all night looking at flying | | | | mainly famous for their rather racy (and |
| dwarves. There's a story to this - you may | | | | un-nervingly homo-erotic) 'baloon dance,' |
| have seen our recent article 'The A-Team - | | | | which basically involves them prancing about |
| Then And Now.' If you haven't, then you'd | | | | naked with baloons covering their pinkened, |
| better drag your worthless ass over there. | | | | shrunken manhoods.It seems the local |
| After putting that particular masterpiece | | | | newspapers were all over this event, keen to |
| online, I read through and one sentence in | | | | bring you the latest on this extreme |
| particular lept out at me: "Mr T is winner of | | | | spectator sport for the new millenium. It |
| the World's Toughest Bouncer contest. One of | | | | seems not much happens in whatever |
| the events in the competition was dwarf | | | | sleepy-hick-filled country hovel this took |
| tossing (since outlawed.)" Dwarf Tossing?! | | | | place in (we will call it Sheepball-on-sea.) |
| That sounds amazing! I just had to find out | | | | Either that, or there was some crazy, |
| more!!The lost sport that is Dwarf Tossing / | | | | sickening midget sex fetish going on at the |
| Midget Throwing originated in Australia in | | | | time...Oh, and by the way (if you give a |
| the 1980's - a pub game for bored white trash | | | | shit) - according to some random, haggared |
| country types, bored with driving their | | | | site I've since forgotten about, the English |
| tractors. According to one website (hosted on | | | | are still world champs. Another black eye to |
| the ever-trusty BBC.co.uk no less):"This pub | | | | national pride, methinks. We might suck at |
| sport can be played by anyone, as the need | | | | the Olympics, or any other real sport for |
| for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages | | | | that matter, but damn - we really can let |
| as preparation purposes is completely | | | | those midgets fly.Understandably, when people |
| optional, but strongly recommended. Both men | | | | heard about this sick, non-PC, offensive, yet |
| and women can play and even compete against | | | | strangely fascinating sport, they rallied |
| each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for | | | | en-masse to have it banned. Wow, that must |
| the men, the women who generally participate | | | | have been one hell of a sight - hundreds of |
| tend to have male like qualities. This has | | | | people marching down on the houses of law, |
| meant the customary swapping of shirts at the | | | | demanding that the vertically-challenged have |
| end of each competition has been scrapped, | | | | the right to stay on the ground. I wish I |
| due to the women's constant complaints that | | | | could have been there. Damned hindsight.The |
| the shirts given to them were always too | | | | year was 1989, and the world's only support |
| small and that they wouldn't want to wear the | | | | group for the vertically-challenged - The |
| shirt of a 'chauvinist pig who got his kicks | | | | Little People Of America - went to Florida |
| throwing persons of restricted growth | | | | and convinced the lawmakers there that this |
| anyway'. | | | | strange sport is infact cruel and should be |
| | | | stopped. The measure banning dwarf-tossing |
| Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary | | | | was passed with a wide margin, and |
| beer belly are the physical secret weapons of | | | | dwarf-tossing was outlawed in both Florida |
| a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to | | | | and New York. Yet, in the LPA's home state of |
| fully master the sport the athlete must also | | | | Texas, you can still throw migdets about to |
| possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a | | | | your heart's content. Want to abuse a midget? |
| leopard, the timing of a magician, the | | | | Now you have to get in your car and drive... |
| patience of a predator and the appearance of | | | | Later Dave Flood who appears on a morning |
| a rather large bull sitting on a wasp. In | | | | radio talk show as "Dave the Dwarf," took the |
| order for 'persons pacified with their | | | | issue to court and made the sport illegal in |
| horizontally-perpendicular circumstances' to | | | | bars. Thanks Dave.In Ontario, Canada, the |
| take part in a throwing competition they must | | | | Dwarf Tossing Ban Act, 2003 was enacted, with |
| always wear full protective clothing. Injury | | | | penalties of a fine of not more than $5,000 |
| is a serious threat to the career of a | | | | or to imprisonment for a term of not more |
| Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a | | | | than six months, or both. Perhaps they have a |
| six-figure sum for allowing people to share | | | | special wing in the jails for the |
| in their very specialised field of | | | | dwarf-tossers. Hmmm...Despite all this fancy |
| expertise.""Unlike golf, this is a true | | | | legal action, this bizzare sport is still |
| spectator's sport worthy of any Olympic games | | | | taking place today. During my research for |
| but thanks of the interventions of 'persons | | | | this article / compulsive waste of time, I |
| who negotiate a humour deficiency' no | | | | stumbled across some random Satan-type |
| professional body has been created to | | | | website that had a section on Dwarf-Tossing. |
| globally organise and fund what can only be | | | | These photos (see below) were taken at a |
| described as the only sport that promotes an | | | | recent event, probably deep in the heart of |
| unprejudiced view of society (even though a | | | | Sheepball-on-sea. One thing I noticed - if |
| British Association of Dwarf Throwers does | | | | you look closely at the photos - it's the |
| currently exist)." | | | | same midget being thrown by each one of those |
| | | | hickory hillbillies. The poor bastard! That's |
| Christopher Reeve shudders in his grave. | | | | just not right! He doesn't even get a helmet |
| Lois Lane silently weeps. | | | | or anything!Remember folks no matter how |
| | | | bizzare, different, or strangely fascinating |
| These flying midgets get six figure | | | | this obscure and perverse sport may seem, |
| salaries? Can this be true?! Which makes me | | | | don't try it. Johnny Law will be two steps |
| wonder - who in the name of Jesus H Jones | | | | behind you ready to throw your bitch ass in |
| pays these people? Is there a Flying Midgets | | | | jail. You've heard about what they do to |
| union? Can you imagine putting this on your | | | | rapists in prison, right? Imagine what they'd |
| resume? I wonder if these talented human | | | | do to a Dwarf Thrower. In conclusion... it's |
| missiles get hazard pay?Basically the rules | | | | never cool to be a tosser.An Article By: |
| are as follows; you pick up your selected | | | | Part-time Ninja of original article for this |
| midget (who will likely be adorning some kind | | | | is at: |
| of safety helmet and vest), take a three step | | | | |
| run-up and throw the little bugger as far as | | | | article is one of many amazing and bizzare |
| you possibly can. And there you have it - | | | | articles available for free at: |
| possibly the most non-PC sport ever invented. | | | | |
| Whoever gets their human missile the furthest | | | | is from - where humour goes to die.There |
| is the winner. Although I shudder to think | | | | are two kinds of people in this world; those |
| what kind of prizes would be given. Sexual | | | | who love TwistedEdge... and those who haven't |
| favours perhaps... who knows?The Roots.The | | | | been there yet. |
| first of these twisted little events to get | | | | |